Defining Happy

In July of 2011, I traveled back to a place that I had hated for as long as I can recall in hopes of saving my life.  Sadness, unhappiness, and depression had been a constant in my life for years and I knew that if I didn’t face this “thing” head on I was never going to live to tell my story.

It’s interesting how people can look at you from the outside, see your worldly possessions and make the assumption that you must have it all together. People have often mistook my walking with my head held high as a display of arrogance but that’s honestly one thing I’ve never been. No one would have guessed that I was locking myself in the house for days on end, having random anxiety attacks in public and on the plane, and unable to feel any emotion other than sadness for years.  I was going downhill quickly and the rock that is Venus had been compromised.  On the outside I remained poised and proper and never let them see me sweat as my mother has always advised.

I had been been on this mission for years to find my purpose and passion in life.  The six figure salary that had come so easy to me since the age of 22 had never made me happy.  Making money was my drug.  At times I’d blow thousands on business ventures just for the next high.   Hopping from job to job selling myself to the highest bidder as if I were a modern day slave.  Never enjoying or being truly passionate about the work I was doing.  I now realize that my usual coping mechanism was to stay busy.  Buying more things and creating more opportunities that would keep me from facing the real problem.

My moving back to Buffalo was necessary albeit temporary.  I was sure family would be wondering how long I was staying, where I was staying, and many more questions.  But answering them wasn’t a priority for me.  I came with my race horse vision and my game face on.  Ready to deal with this “thing”.  I began therapy two months after arriving and started healing from my past.  To remove the black cloud that had followed me for a great deal of my life.  Never knowing until within the last 4 years what this “thing” actually was.  I was finally going to deal with being molested by my cousin and my grandfather (now deceased) all before the age of 9.

I have put in the work necessary and worked harder than I ever have at anything else to be rid of this “demon”. I honestly don’t think I knew my own strength. The last 9 months were the hardest and most emotional days of my life. I now feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders and that I literally have been given another chance at life. To LIVE with no regrets. Never feeling the need to downplay my accomplishments to make others feel comfortable.  Never again allowing anything or anyone to have that much control over my life.

As I left Buffalo on April 23rd to venture out in to the unknown, I left feeling renewed and reborn.  Ready to tackle any challenge that was in my way.  Although, there was plenty of drama and negativity going on around me, none of it mattered more than the mission that was ahead.

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To find out why and how I started my travel journey click HERE and HERE