Defining Happy

Nearly four months on the road eating fried rice and noodles and away from my dear Vitamix blender, my poor digestive system has taken a beating. Going days without using the bathroom is seriously not a good look. 

For the last week I had been extremely tired, sluggish, and could tell by my skin that I was full of shit…LITERALLY. I  seriously needed to do something about a non herbal laxative was not going to cut it. Instead I had the brilliant idea of going to a wellness retreat for some much-needed detoxification. I have been to one before in 2008 in Thailand and it worked wonders. Since Nepal was next on my list I found a place there that sounded promising, however, the one way flight to Nepal from Seoul was nearly $1200. I didn’t even spend that much to get from the states to Thailand so I definitely wasn’t spending that to get to Nepal. ( NOTE: This would be one of the downsides of traveling without a plan and purchasing your tickets as you go along. 😐 ) Plan B was to go online and purchase the cheapest ticket to a random location that just so happened to have a residential wellness and detox center. So where did I chose?

…..Drum roll please………

The Philippines. It was actually on my original “list of places to visit” but got scratched off within a week of being on the road.   

Well, within the first 23 minutes of being in Manila I knew I wanted to get out of Manila. I had a connecting flight to Cebu that was leaving in less than an hour and time was winding down fast.  So after I got off the plane I go toward the sign that says transfers since I am transferring. But no one was at the desk. I asked an employee what to do and he tells me to stand in the immigration line with everyone else. Mkay… After waiting in the long line for immigration then customs I ask yet another employee how to transfer to my next flight (since there are NO clear signs posted) and he points to a random tiny desk with two ladies standing next to it.  I get to the desk and these ladies tell me I need to go to another terminal to catch my flight. “Umm..ok and where is that?”, I ask. No one said anything but they were ever so kind to point in a random direction. I got another guy from the airline to help because I had less than 20 minutes to get a ticket and make my flight. He called in my name on his radio and escorted me outside. I’m thinking this cat is taking me to an airport shuttle but he tells me I need to take a taxi to the next terminal because the shuttle isn’t running. What? If I had known that I would’ve gotten money out the atm at this terminal….So back in to the terminal in the ONE door that is an actual entrance. I stood behind two men with 82200000005685522 suitcases as they put them through the security conveyor belt thingy. EFF!!!! Seriously? I skipped in front of them without advance notice and after I made it through security I found an ATM. The lady standing there was taking so long I though she was standing there working on algorithms and schematics. Growing more and more impatient by the minute I coughed loudly just incase she wasn’t aware that someone was waiting to use the machine next. She didn’t budge. She stood there and studied her receipt like she was reading one of the greatest novels on earth. I finally said “excuse me, would it be possible for me to use the machine while you’re reading that?”. This heffa lady says “No, I’m not finished”. Oh sweet baby Jesus needed to grab hold of the wheel immediately because I could feel myself preparing to get extra vocal. After telling the lady she was rude and an idiot and inserting in a couple Eff-Bombs I walked away and found another ATM.  I admit it was a slight overreaction but she was being ridiculous. I finally get some Pesos and head to one of 28500 taxi stands that are in front of the airport. Every two seconds someone was yelling TAXI…TAXI….YOU NEED TAXI?? OH MY GOD…the lack of begging and yelling was something that I enjoyed about being in Korea. Each different taxi stand quoted a different ridiculous a** price. 450 Pesos…350 Pesos…500 Pesos. Now, I’m calculating in my head like…What? That’s over $7. Where the hell is the other terminal? In Vietnam? What I expect was the cheapest and only metered taxi had a line wrapped around the airport. I didn’t have a choice but to pay 330 Pesos. EFF!

So I get to the other terminal which was 93500000 miles away from the first one. Like seriously if it was the states this terminal would’ve been in a whole ‘nother city. By this time its 12:50. My plane was supposed to leave at 12:40. I get to the ticket counter after I pass security A-Gain and the chick asks for my electronic ticket? What? I didn’t have a printer to print that out. Can’t you look it up by my name on my passport genius? She didn’t know how to do that. 😐  After digging for my nook and pulling up the flight she finally issued me a ticket after telling me my flight was delayed. I was grateful for the delay but God Bless…do things really need to be this difficult?

I make it to Cebu and am picked up by staff at the airport. We drive to the ghetto where the center is located. Gasp…  Looking at the surroundings I’m guessing I won’t be going outside for 12 days.

I chose shared accommodations to keep the cost down and was placed on a room with a Nun. I was overjoyed and thought for sure she’d be a peaceful roommate. But instead this lady spends her free time texting uncontrollably like a teenager,  having LOUD cellphone conversations as she practices yoga in the middle of the room, and secretly eating snacks that I’m sure you’re not supposed to have in a detox center. 

Although I’m doing my best to remain positive I already know this is going to rough. Everyone bow your heads and pray for me now