Silence of the Lambs

For the last four days I’ve been away for four days sitting in complete silence at a meditation retreat held at a Buddhist Monastery on the island of Koh Phangan. I had initially planned to attend a retreat in Northern Thailand but had discovered from a girl at my hostel in Samui that there was one starting soon on a neighboring island. So thinking that this was totally convenient I booked a ferry ticket, pre-registered online and in one day I was on my way.

My pallet on the floor

The retreat was made up of mostly women from all over the globe. The majority had never been to a retreat before. I knew before hand that there was going to be silence, chores, and that I’d even have to sleep on the floor at this retreat but I’ve done all those things before so that wasn’t an issue. I surprisingly enjoyed each one of those things to be honest. The retreat was actually ten days long but I ended early because..well things just got a little weird.

The schedule

435304858082342343 hours of meditating to include walking, sitting, and standing meditation for beginners was a bit extreme. Well at least for me. Also, the discussions seemed a bit dry and rehearsed. For instance…our morning exercise session was a CD of the voice of one of the head teachers 😐 and the person demonstrating was one of the staff who didn’t look enthused at all to be there. Where the heck was the teacher and how come she wasn’t giving the instruction? Or why wasn’t the lady that we were watching on the stage giving the instruction?

The view from my living quarters

The daily talks given by the teachers or the staff were either read from a paper or “memorized” with several people repeating the same phrases over and over. Their voices were in this strange monotone pitch and their hands and eyes seemed to move like the puppets at chuck e cheeses. The multiple hour long walking meditation sessions consisted of us pacing back and forth on our 12 foot path and looking at the ground to make sure we didn’t step on any insects. At times it seemed that refraining from killing one of the 2343048320948230482304893209482309832098432322343 insects that landed on our bodies was more important that learning how to meditate properly. I was on the top of a mountain in a jungle so you can just imagine how challenging this was. Anyway, during the walking meditation I looked around and half of my fellow retreaters and the staff looked like zombies. The other have looked about as over it as I was.

I personally think that if you are passionate about a topic, believe in it, and if you’ve been doing this thing for over 30 years you should be able to deliver the message without any need for word for word memorization. Talking points are ok. I even use those when I speak so I don’t get off track. But my mother knows I HATE it when a pastor or speaker reads an entire message from the paper. That makes me feel like they didn’t take the time to prepare which is a lightweight slap in the face for those in the audience. These people have been doing this forever. How much more prepared can you get?

I was also taken aback by the negativity in a lot of the daily talks and information that was posted on the bulletin boards. Labeling people who ate different than they did “extremists” or mocking those who had different views doesn’t really set a positive tone for the retreat. Damning you in advance if you tried to come in with the mindset of changing their views and making a note that they were in fact there to change you was also a bit extra. And there was a whole write up about sickness and the many other things that would get you booted from the retreat. I found plenty of irony in the sickness doc because one of the sentences talked about excessive coughing. Which it just so happens that both of the head teachers were doing between every three words. Coughing their brains out in to a handkerchief. I wonder if it had anything to do with one of those Malaria infected mosquitoes that had landed on their arm and they refused to kill. I’m just sayin….

Overall, although I absolutely made the most of my short stay I was starting to feel like I was in a cult. Something seemed off with a splash of cooky. But judging by how popular this place seemed for first timers I can only assume that most would believe that I was “off” for leaving. I guess the saying is true that everything isn’t for everybody. I so wanted to enjoy this retreat. I’ve read a great deal about the benefits of meditation and thought it would be great to incorporate it not only on the road but after I returned to the states as well. Having proper instruction seemed like the best way to get my feet wet. My second choice would have obviously been YouTube 😉 I’m still going to take some of the things that I had previously learned and practical bits that I learned at the retreat and incorporate them in to about 20 minutes of daily meditation and prayer. Seventeen hours for me is unrealistic-den-a-mug and so unnecessary.

Before I left I talked to one of the head teachers and expressed to her my desire to leave the retreat. I didn’t explain everything. I just told her that my mind was focused elsewhere and I didn’t want to waste their time or spew my ill energy on to the others and ruin their experience. She offered a few options to get me to stay but I politely declined. Besides, I had already packed the night before and had convinced myself that it was time to go.

My walk down this 9,950 mile loooong hill with my heavy bags was actually a relief. I don’t at all condone “quitting” anything all willy nilly. But if something is definitely not setting well with you listen to your gut. I don’t feel like a failure for not making it through a few more days of the retreat (Even though this is the second thing I’ve quit since I started this journey but that’s a minor detail). I think I would’ve poked my eyes out with a dull knife if I had to pace back and forth while looking at ants on the ground for one more day. Well hell….at least I tried something new right?

Since you been patient enough to read my wining I will reward you with some more photos of the grounds and some cool people I met before the silence began.