Defining Happy

I will admit that I’ve gotten a little beside myself with these cheap massages. I am feeling the need to indulge more often than not. As long as I don’t go over the daily budget that I’ve set for myself what’s the harm right?  Well, when it costs under $11 for one hour long oil and Thai massages you can see why I can’t help myself right? They even threw in an unexpected surprise at the end of my last massage. What was it you ask? Well you know I’m not just going to come out and tell you. There’s always a wild story. So listen up….

On the main strip of Lamai beach there are at least 93423094823098423092 massage parlors. Most right next door to each other.  You can also find some right on the beach. I randomly chose one while exploring the strip a couple of days ago. The indoor “spas” are usually one room store fronts that have about 6-8 massage tables lined in a row. Each table can be separated by a drawn hospital curtain for added privacy. I chose the 1hr “Aloema Massage” which is how it read on the paper. When I asked what it was the lady explained that it was a scented oil massage with soft music. I assumed Aloema was one of the many typos on the sheet and that they had actually meant “Aroma”. Nonetheless, I was prepped for my Aloema treatment which started with a foot wash. The masseuse is on the table with you during most of the treatment. Once the curtain is closed there’s really nowhere for her to stand anyway. For the soft music that was mentioned I figured it would be some soothing traditional Thai tunes…..without words. When Whitney Houston came on I was kinda shocked but still tried to relax nonetheless. That was until her slow ballad was followed up by the Bee Gee’s and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers singing Californication 😐

So how was the massage? Well, the fact that the fan was on high blowing on my naked body which caused me to nearly freeze to death meant that it wasn’t the greatest. I’m no rocket scientist (but I know some of you thought I was by all the shnazzy opinions and information I give 😉 ) but I thought your muscles were supposed to be kept warm during a massage. Maybe I got the one chick who didn’t actually have a diploma on the wall from that special massage school. Anyway, as I lay 2 degrees away from being frost bitten on the table the chick sat on my butt to continue the upper back massage. (Fellas, please pay attention here.. No wandering minds.) This is where the added bonus came in…I could have sworn that I felt something that resembled a body part that is not common for a woman to have………….I’ll wait ’til some of you slow challenged individuals to catch what I’m trying to say.
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Ready now? Ok. When I felt what I thought I felt I kinda just blew it off and assumed the towel that was covering my body may have gotten bunched up. Well uh…that theory went out the door when I went back for a massage two days later and was sure my female masseuse had boobs and also a frank and two beans. I swear I only went back because the people were friendly and the massage itself was so good that I slept like a baby right after. <—wait…I hope you all are staying focused while reading this because if any of your minds are in the gutter this innocent post could turn in to a whole ‘notha kinda of post. FOCUS!

After the surprise “bonus” to my Aloema massage I decided I would not be going to that spa again. I mean…if I had known before that she was also a he I would’ve been OK with it. (Love the LGBT community )  What I’m not OK with is a random sweaty package resting on my shoulder while I’m trying to concentrate on my relaxing Aloema massage while loud rock and roll plays in the background.

At the end of the day it was just too much going on there.  I whill (yes w-h-i-l-l) not stop getting daily massages even though it just seems so wrong, however, I will try out another spot and pray the person rubbing on me has tucked their business away for safe keeping.

*I know this post is totally inappropriate but I just couldn’t help myself 😉 *