Defining Happy

I’ve met a plethora of different characters on my journey so far whose comments or actions have made me roll my eyes, smile, or have shocked the hell out of me. Here are a few standout individuals that the rest of the world deserves to know.

BILAL THE BROTHA FROM DC – This dude was something else. I was standing in front of the 7/11 near my hostel in Penang waiting for a bus and he walks past jumps back and says “Hello, and where are you from?” with a shocked look on his face. When I answered “New York”, which is always the shortest and best answer, he got a little “how you doin” on me and said “is that New York from the US or South America?”. Bilal said he used to be a writer for the New York Times and had traveled to 79 countries so far. When I asked him what he was doing in Penang he said “A little bit of writing”. He seemed harmless until he added that he had saw me standing on the sidewalk while he was driving past ( 😐 You said what now?) which I found to be borderline stalkerish so naturally when he asked what my name was I answered “Rosetta……..Rosettta Stone”

KNOW IT ALL INDIAN CAT FROM MALAYSIA – This cat was boarding the bus with me at the train station and was “colorful” before he even got on the bus. He turned around in line and asked me if I was from Jamaica which I thought was random as heck. I told him no I was from the US and this sparked a good 10 minute story about how he used to live in the US in South Carolina and sooooooooooooooo on and soooooooooooooooooo forth. He included a couple sitting next to me in to the conversation and asked them where they were from then somehow managed to tell them he lived there too and spoke 20 different languages. Then he recited random phrases in about 10 of them. This dude just seemed to know a little bit about everything and needed EEEEEVERYBODY to know this. Before he got off of the bus he insited that I was from Jamaica and that I should probably check with my parents to make sure. 😐 Whaaaaaa?

BUS DRIVER WHO PITIED ME – So I don’t make it a habit of telling people that I’m traveling alone for obvious reasons but the conversation I had with a bus driver when I revealed to him “my secret” was priceless. The exchange went a little something like this:

Him: So what country are you from?

Me: I’m from the US.

Him: Oh ok. But where are your parents from?

Me: They are from the US also. ( I knew what he was getting at but didn’t feel like going in to further detail)

Him: *Puzzled look*Oh, I see. So are you here to study or on holiday?

Me: I’m here on holiday

Him: Oh are you traveling alone?

Me: Yes, but I’m meeting a friend now. (NOTE: I think God will ignore the lies I’m telling as I am only trying to prevent myself from being chopped up in a garbage bag in some alley somewhere.)

Him: *Confused* Oh, ok. Are you married?

Me: No, I’m not married.

Him: *Puzzled look* Oh, well how old are you?

Me: I am 32 years old

Him: *Blank stare followed by dead silence for at least 3 minutes and 6 seconds* When do ladies in your country get married?

Me: It varies. Some women get married when they are in their 20’s but a lot of women are waiting until they are older.

Him: *WTF? LOOK* Well, ladies here are married when they are 20-22.

Me: 😐 *Quickly develops a mild form of narcolepsy and pretends to fall asleep so he can’t talk to me anymore*

ALEXIA, THE POTTYMOUTH FRENCH CANADIAN CHICK FROM QUEBEC – So I’ve discovered the white love child of Denis Leary and Richard Pryor. Since I’ve grown up around guys and have served in the military with chicks who can curse a grown man under the table I thought I had heard it all. That was until I met Alexia on Pulau Kecil in the Perhentians. She is the travel “friend” of one of the girls I was rooming with. Alexia was tall and thin with such a gorgeous face and shape that she could easily be a Victoria Secret model. Her mouth on the other hand was filled with all kinds of caca and garbage. The brawd joined us for lunch and 3 milliseconds after the introduction she proceeded to tell us stories about her two years of hoeing all over the globe exciting travels. All of the stories included her sleeping with random men. Some of them involved eating the heart of a snake, drinking a spoonful of fluids from several male body parts, and something about vaginal burning, a date with a guy and them eating chillis with their hands before the burning occurred (you can figure out the rest). All stories would include words that would absolutely be bleeped out even if she had been on HBO or Showtime. My most colorful memory of this girl would have to be the time when I was wading in the ocean and she swam out to join me for what I thought was more friendly conversation. Instead she told me she was having issues with her tampon and swam out to fix it. Mind you she was arms length away from me. 😐

Honorable mention:

CHINESE GUY MANNING THE GIFTS FOR BUDDHA TABLE – So during my second day of hanging out with Chia in Penang at the Kek Lok Si temple a guy selling gifts for the Buddha’s was staring at me with a watchful eye. As he followed me with his eyes across the room I smiled at him and waved just so he knew that I knew he was sweating hawking me. This cat proceeds to walk to Chia and talk to her in Chinese for a good 10 minutes all the while pointing at me. I sat on the sidelines and waited for the conversation to be over. When we left the area Chia told me that the guy thought I was from South Africa and asked if she had adopted me from there when I was a baby. He also assumed I was fluent in Mandarin. 😐 Whaaaaaaa? I mean I’m sure she and I looked like the odd couple walking around together but an adopted kid from South Africa is a bit of a stretch.

I’m finding it odd that people are assuming that black people only live in Africa. Maybe another part of my mission is to dispel that horrible rumor.